||[Jul. 16th, 2011|09:34 pm]
I just cleaned out my fish tank and everything in it.
if that's not cause for celebration, idk what is.
but i dont wanna celebrate cause I'm lonely as fuck right now.I wish I had someone to talk to. or dinner. what an uneventful day. my friends are all mia and we're probably not going to hang out at all. it's already 9.
sometimes I can't wrap my brain around how much everything is changing. all the time. it was probably always this frequent and intense but now I'm noticing it a lot. routines changing. people changing. time seems like it's going at warp speed. life seems so short now. I feel jaded all the time. like, there's gotta be more to this, ya know? maybe I'm just old now. I feel like I'm wasting my life. sitting here. but a day chillin at home is always a good thing. I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a loop but I guess that's what existence is: a giant loop. infinity. which at times can feel rather mundane. I want to go sit under the giant tree in my yard that I've named Tree Lo Green. hahaaaa. nature always quiets my mind. it's being stuck inside this house in this city where it's nothing but buildings and cars and concrete. it's being stuck inside my mind, inside some demon part of me that doesn't let me escape. it's the part of me that doesn't let me express my ideas and make them a reality. I want to kill that part of me. it's pure evil. it's so bad and in an instant is can take over all the good parts of me. so that there's just sadness. the only way I can express what's going on inside is to just put my fingers up to the keyboard and let my soul do all the typing. I think maybe I should meditate. but I hate consciously not doing anything. but really, what am I doing now? absolutely nothing. I have a lot of problems in my mind. I have all this stuff to worry about. I don't even wanna go back and read this shit i just typed. I think I'm just stir crazy and bat shit crazy and livin la vida loca. maybe if I had a life or a distraction from my own brain, which has bitched enough today so I'm gonna watch some buffy...